Paradox of Loneliness

A lightbulb moment

May 24, 2023

"In a vast universe that often seems sinister and unaware of us, we need the presence and shelter of love to transfigure our loneliness. This cosmic loneliness is the root of all inner loneliness.” -- John O'Donohue

This Wednesday series of posts is intended to be the seed bed for a self-awareness journal currently in development. One of the major tools for this project is Paradox … defined from the perspective of self-awareness as the often confusing tug of virtuous, although contradictory, values.

Surgeon General Dr. Vivek H. Murthy’s “lightbulb moment.

“When I first took office as Surgeon General in 2014, I didn’t view loneliness as a public health concern. But that was before I embarked on a cross-country listening tour, where I heard stories from my fellow Americans that surprised me.
People began to tell me they felt isolated, invisible, and insignificant. Even when they couldn’t put their finger on the word “lonely,” time and time again, people of all ages and socioeconomic backgrounds, from every corner of the country, would tell me, “I have to shoulder all of life’s burdens by myself,” or “if I disappear tomorrow, no one will even notice.”
It was a lightbulb moment for me: social disconnection was far more common than I had realized.”

I have moved more times than most people, and, as I look back at those moves, I recognize some patterns. At least one piece of many, if not most of them, was a search for community, for an antidote to the loneliness that I felt even when I couldn’t express it. I blew most of it off as the effect of being an only child. If I’d had siblings, I thought, I wouldn’t have this feeling of being alone in the world. Turns out, that people with siblings tend to have the same feelings, especially when they are all scattered across the country as most families are in these times, especially in the US.

One of the interesting paradoxes of loneliness is that it tugs us in two diametrically opposed directions: toward community and toward solitude. In our world where community has been fragmented into a thousand ill-fitting jigsaw puzzle pieces, solitude sometimes seems like a scary place from which there is no escape. At the same time, being caught up in a community that doesn’t quite fit, can be the loneliest place of all.

There is a two-step way out of this quagmire. Conversation is key … deliberately create conversation that feeds our spirits: conversation with others and conversation with ourselves. Solitude does not have to be lonely.

The paradox of loneliness is found everywhere, including in the words of our wisdom keepers. Pick the one … or ones … that speaks to you.

"Soul grows in communion. Word by word, story by story, for better or worse, we build our world. From true conversation - speaking and listening - communication deepens into compassion and creates community.” ― Sam Keen
"There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall." — Colette
“I am but a stranger ... as we all are. Lonely inside our separate skins, we cannot know each other’s pain and must bear our own in solitude. For my part, I have found that walking soothes it; and that, given luck, sometimes we find one to walk besides us ... at least for a little way.” ― Alan Moore

After contemplating and experiencing the interplay of community and solitude for many years, I came up with this thought:

Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published

                         The caterpillar enters into solitude, 
                                emerges as a butterfly, 
                     and rejoins community to create new life."

It wasn’t until recently that I likened this thought to Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey where the hero embarks on a journey of solitude (even when with companions) and brings back a boon for the world (community).

And perhaps the best resolution of the paradox came from Mehmet Murat ildan:

"When you are alone, bless the solitude; when you are with someone, bless the togetherness! Think of the seagull: It flies alone happily; it flies with another happily too! Solitude is a food; togetherness is a food; man needs both and he must be happy with both!" -- Mehmet Murat ildan
And, the always wise Rilke advises in his Letters to a Young Poet:
“I hold this to be the highest task of a bond between two people: that each should stand guard over the solitude of the other.”

And, if you are still looking for wisdom about this paradox, perhaps one of these thoughts will bring you comfort.

“I need to be alone. I need to ponder my shame and my despair in seclusion; I need the sunshine and the paving stones of the streets without companions, without conversation, face to face with myself, with only the music of my heart for company.”― Henry Miller, Tropic of Cancer

“I wished a companion to lie near me in the starlight, silent and not moving, but ever within touch. For there is a fellowship more quiet even than solitude, and which, rightly understood, is solitude made perfect.” ― Robert Louis Stevenson

“It's an interesting combination: Having a great fear of being alone, and having a desperate need for solitude and the solitary experience. That's always been a tug of war for me.” ― Jodie Foster

“My alone feels so good, I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude.”― Warsan Shire

“One must learn an inner solitude, wherever one may be.”― Meister Eckhart

“Silent solitude makes true speech possible and personal. If I am not in touch with my own belovedness, then I cannot touch the sacredness of others. If I am estranged from myself, I am likewise a stranger to others.”― Brennan Manning, Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging

“Solitude is not the absence of company, but the moment when our soul is free to speak to us and help us decide what to do with our life.” ― Paulo Coelho, Manuscript Found in Accra

“Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.” —Paul Johannes Tillich, The Eternal Now

"The happiest of all lives is a busy solitude." —Voltaire

"When we cannot bear to be alone, it means we do not properly value the only companion we will have from birth to death - ourselves." —Eda LeShan

Resource: “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation”

How do you resolve the paradox of loneliness?

Paradox of Loneliness

A lightbulb moment

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