Summoning a rainbow out of a black and white world
Learning Zygert from an unsung guru
It delights me to end this year with a tribute to an unsung guru who changed the world for everyone he touched. That might not be literally true, but I wouldn’t bet money against it. He changed my world with one “yes,” and our friendship was sealed with a ratty, 20-year old pillow. My heart broke when he left the world too soon but also overflowed with gratitude for the great gift of knowing him and being his friend.
This post is about Jerry McNellis and his last gift of Zygert.
May 19, 2015
My friend Jerry McNellis is dying. Before he leaves, however, he has started a new school … the school of zygert. I thought when I first learned that he had brain cancer that he would teach us more about dying, however, it turns out that what he’s teaching me is how to live, live until the moment when life is no longer an option.
Jerry has always been a teacher … his subjects were creativity and collaboration and his students were business teams. In all of his workshops, though, the real lesson was Jerry and his indomitable approach to life.
When there were two ways of doing something,
he automatically had a third and fourth way;
out of black and white, he could summon a rainbow.
Jerry probably came by much of his unique approach naturally; however, the Universe gave him an additional push when he contracted polio as a toddler. When he came home after months in the hospital, his incredible mother told everyone “Don’t pick him up.” She wanted him to be strong and learn to do things for himself. He did.
In spite of his distressed body, he played football, climbed trees (and fell out), and made a device that allowed him to ice skate.
He developed a team creativity process known as Compression Planning and taught thousands of people how to work together more effectively. I shouldn’t have been surprised when we talked today … but I was ... to learn that he had invented a new word: zygert, which he defined as "focusing on something I love with someone I love.” His goal is to live zygert until his last breath and I signed up as his always-willing student.
Jerry is having the incredible experience of knowing he’s dying but being without pain. He is planning his family and friends reunion (funeral), complete with comic relief, and having deep conversations with people he cares about. As we were talking he explained that he is only interested in zygert conversations and, that if I wanted to talk about California politics, he would have to hang up. Of course, that’s the last thing I wanted to talk about, so we continued.
He described this time as being like standing under Niagara Falls being showered with blessings as he hears from friends from as far back as grade school and gets the chance to tell them how much they have meant to him as well as hearing what he has meant to them. When he asked a noted researcher and pathologist what he would do if he had brain cancer, he said the “expert” said, “I would read all the alternatives, study the journals, talk to the experts … and then I would forget it all and focus on the two or three projects I most cared about and spend time with the people I love being with.”
"Every morning," Jerry said, “I wake up in gratitude just to be alive one more day to experience all the attention I’m getting. It’s been a time of love to the extreme and it wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t have cancer. I am actually thankful for this big chunk of cancer in my brain.”
When someone asked Jerry for advice, he said there was just one thing. “There is one thing I wish I had done more of," he said, “I wish I had picked up the phone more often and told people that I really appreciated them. Told them 'I really love you’ … just for the sake of it not because of any holiday or event. I wish I had done a lot more of that."
Biggest challenge: Accepting Love
One of his biggest lessons and challenges, he said, was accepting this outpouring of love and accepting being cared for by family and friends. “At first,” he said, “I had a hard time accepting help … I called it babysitting until I realized it was hurting my children’s feelings when I said that. Now I realize that they are taking care of me because they love me."
“My mom always said, ‘Don’t pick him up.’ Now, I realize it’s time I accept help and to let people pick me up."
Jerry’s school of zygert is big enough for all of us … we just need to "focus on something we love with someone we love” and tell more people how much we care about them. It sounds so simple … Jerry reminds us not to forget.
Reflection: Jerry and I were not family, we lived on opposite sides of the country and met under glancing circumstances that could have left us untouched. However, something drew us together, bonded us over the last two decades of his life. When I invited him to speak at the first InnovationNetwork Convergence … for no fee and no expenses paid, he said “yes.” I felt like God had just blessed the adventure.
When he showed up, I was completely humbled. Not only did he wow his audience, it was the first event he had participated in after a significant health challenge, his personal life had been shattered when his wife of 30 years divorced him, and his body was ravaged by the effects of polio and he needed crutches to walk. I never quite knew why he decided to fly across country to this event organized by an unknown person with no experience at creating conferences, but I will always be grateful for the confidence he gave me and his inspiration and friendship.
I’m still not sure why I did what came next, but I mailed him a pillow, tattered after 20 years of being tossed about. I had made it in my short needlepoint career and it read: “This too, shall pass.” He called, laughing, after he received it and we went on from there. Long periodic phone calls, connecting at other conferences, just knowing we were there, we were friends. I felt honored to be one of the many friends he chose to be with him on his last zygert journey.
I hope to honor him in this coming year by living zygert in his name. I will focus on what I love with people I love … and, like Jerry, I will allow that circle of people I love to expand generously.
Who is an unsung guru in your life?
How do you live zygert?
More memories, mainly for me:
I blogged about Jerry more than once, too much to overload this post with but I’m going to link to them because they are important for me and because I still have lessons to learn from them.
Today I said, “I love you,” to a man I’ve never said those words to, a man who has been one of the biggest influences on my life, a man I have loved for years without telling him that. I think he has always known. I think we both have always known that we had a special bond even though the years often passed with only infrequent phone calls. Life was always busy and our paths which once were parallel, now went in different directions.
Reflection: In the upcoming year, I want to more easily and often tell people I love that I love them.
There is a special joy in reading a book written by someone you know, a poignant connection to the stories, a familiar ring to the rhythm and words, a reminder of things known and a peek into corners unknown. The one I just finished is by my friend Jerry McNellis and his mother, Helen McNellis, a very young 98-year-old. The book, "Don't pick him up" is the story of the McNellis family dealing with Jerry's polio which he contracted in 1946 at age 3.
One of the things that drew me to Jerry was the way he approached things. If he was going to do something, he was going to do it in a way uniquely his and in a way that would delight others. He always found a way to add a deliciousness to everything. We met not long after his first marriage ended and a few years later he was ready to find his new life partner. He embarked on that project with that same spirit of joy, creativity and eye for fun. Every once in a while we would talk and he would tell me stories about dates he arranged ... they were all so creative and funny that I finally told him he had to stop. Every woman he went out with was going to fall in love with him and he'd never be able to choose the right one. But he didn't stop and he did choose just the right one.
Reflection: In 2024, I want to embody Jerry’s spirit of joy in everything I do.
Thank you, Jerry for being part of my life. I will always love you.
Thank you Joyce for sharing your love for Jerry and for giving me permission to continue to say " I love you" on the phone and in my emails..the truth is I do love my world and the people who bless me with a few minutes or more of their precious life. What wisdom Jerry left us with and i thank you for sharing. Im still spilling tears on my keyboard as I think about all the love you have brought to the world in your writing and in our great friendship. I love you. Barbara Muller
You can never write too much about Jerry and your connection with him and Zygert. Today was the best day for me to find this tribute and your story through the years with Jerry. As a writer, I keep reminding myself, some people are just seeing you for the first time today, so over communication is not a concern.