Accepting "Failure"
Being done with something might not mean it's done with you
Decades ago, I began a long journey of learning Spanish with the intent of becoming “fluent.” Recently, I gave up the effort and accepted failure. I apparently did not have the aptitude nor the dedication to achieve that goal.
I was done with Spanish; however, as it turns out, it may not be done with me.
When this journey began, I had fantasies about conversations with people on my visits to Mexico. For years, this meant dabbling in flash cards and occasionally dipping into adult languages courses … resulting in nothing more than a smattering of tourist Spanish.
In 2014, after spending several months listening to Pimsleur CDs, I decided to get serious about learning Spanish and planned a six-week learning adventure in three cities in Mexico. After two great weeks in San Miguel de Allende (and one day in neighboring Guanajuato that resulted in the ending image), I knew three new things: the classes weren’t working, learning in the streets was fun, and I loved wall murals.
Next stop: Playa del Carmen for the next three weeks of language learning. Riviera Maya is an area I had delighted in many years before when it was just a dusty, relatively unknown dive mecca. However, as soon as I stepped off the bus, I knew this popular but way too touristy and sweltering place was a bad fit for me.
There was a moment of “now what?” when I weighed lost rental expense and detailed plans against unknown possibilities. Then, I remembered someone mentioning someplace in the highlands of Chiapas. Two days later, I was in San Cristóbal de las Casas for three weeks … which turned into four months.
That colorful city turned out to be a creative and charming blend of indigenous and international cultures, art, music and natural beauty. Unfortunately, languagewise, as is the case in most Mexico cities of any size, the residents were far more fluent in English than I was in Spanish. Also, during that time I realized I was more fascinated by adult learning theories and practices than the intricacies of the Spanish language.
I began to wonder if I had enough time and dedication to become “fluent.”
That question continued to float around when conversations about moving to Mexico took root and by May, 2017, I was living in Ajijic, a charming art town on Lake Chapala, the largest lake in Mexico. The desire to be fluent flared again as I began to explore central Mexico, often with an American who was fluent and softened the edges of traveling in places where English was sparse.
A year of determined, self-driven workbook practice led up to a three-week language intensive in Cuernavaca, where once again I hit the wall … literally and figuratively. Across the street from the family I was staying with, there was a chapel surrounded by a wall like none I had ever seen. For thirty years an Englishman named John Spencer built a wall of waves around that small chapel. That wall fascinated me far more than the classroom, so I dropped out on Day 2, went back to the streets as my classroom, and created the video below featuring the wall during the celebration of Día de Los Reyes. Click here to watch.
After the language failure in Cuernavaca, I redoubled my efforts to “speak” Spanish by trying to spend time in places where I might hear more Spanish … maybe I could travel my way to fluency. I even set up a learning blog … Aventura Español hoy … and spent uncounted hours developing a learning environment. I tried actually speaking to some acquaintances and a tutor on iTalki, however, with a child-level vocabulary, that didn’t work out well.
Accepting the Failure Label
Improvement was minimal at best and suddenly I decided that I had to move back to the US. Once there, I made one more commitment to a “fluent in 90 days” program. When that failed, it was time to hang up my conjugation tables and accept failure.
And, then Mexico came calling again …
An invitation to stay with a friend in Mexico appeared. A particularly inviting tour wound up in my inbox. Having given up the responsibility to even try to speak Spanish, I jumped on those invitations, had a great time, and wanted to go back for more.
A new thought started rolling around … maybe I didn’t have to “speak Spanish” … maybe I could just enjoy the music and rhythm of Spanish through listening and reading, gradually developing a friendship with the language.
Slowly, I began to realize it was my own definition of “success” that was creating the failure label I was choosing to wear. Somewhere between “novice” and “master” in any endeavor, there is a green field with gentle breezes, blue skies and puffy clouds … a place where you … I … can relax and savor the shear joy of learning without pressure, without grades and expectations.
I think I may like it here. Is there an area of your life that might be ready for redefining success?
I have so much to think about and say --- I'm tongue tied. Loved your failure story. Much appreciated. Julie
great post! I too wanted to learn to be fluent, but becoming deaf in one ear and losing my ability to discern what people were saying in ENGLISH if they don't pronounce their consonants made me realize my language learning days are probably over.
I went to Mexico twice - the first time with only a Spanish/English dictionary, a phrase book from Lonely Planet, a note pad, and about 200 words - alone. I was terrified! What I learned is that much of communication is non verbal. I met kind helpful people from the plane onward, wherever I went, and I loved the experience so much. Was younger then - 48. At 71 it would be harder, but still possible.
I learned about things that interested me - such as the folk art artesanias, and meeting artists and artisans. I had many wonderful (and a few scary - but no drug gangs; just minor scary) adventures that first time. I stayed for a little over 2 months that first time, and would study in my room at night. I loved just throwing myself into the pulse of things and found i didn't need to learn 17 verb tenses or proper sentence structure. The people were so gracious and helpful. I have so many wonderful memories of that first trip. I had a tooth abscess and had to extend my trip... that is a story in itself, some of it not good but still, wonderful people throughout.
Even the 2nd trip, which was very different - for dental purposes because I am poor and needed work - and why not do it in the country I love - was wonderful and had some magical experiences, even though I stayed primarily in one town. What people respond to is sincerity and curiosity about them and their culture. I adore the people of Mexico. Would live there at least part time if i were not poor and old. I hope to go back some day. Guanajuato speaks to my heart and soul. I think I would love it there - but there are so many wonderful places inland, where, IMO, the culture that interests me most, is. But every place is fascinating, as you know. I love your images!
Like me, you are drawn to the art, color, life of Mexico and the Mexican people - and the murals! Start with what you love. It's easier to learn about what you love. People will be happy with 'street' Spanish and you can learn as you go about what truly speaks to your heart. I'm here to encourage and applaud your sense of wonder, adventure, your artistry visually and with words, and your kind heart. Mexico is home of my heart. I will always love it, and its people. I'll do all I can here to help them here, in the next phase of terrible immigration policy.