Responding to “thank you.”

I’m now practicing, “It’s my pleasure.”

I have a friend whose words are like warm molasses.

Barbara overflows with what we call compliments. Everyone she meets is beautiful, brilliant, and the best. For years, I watched myself dismiss her words, thinking her not very discriminating to not notice my faults, or that she was just a pollyanna for thinking everyone was perfect.

Seth Godin changed my mind. 

Seth, a master marketer/thinker, writes a post every day, often so short that I’ve actually read it before my mind decides to read it or not to read it. A recent one deserves to be shared:

The simple word replacement for connection

What do we say when a customer or colleague says, “thank you”?

For a long time, it was “you’re welcome.” This indicates that you put in some effort and you’re willing to do it again on request.

Recently “no problem” has become more common. This implies that the effort could have been a huge hassle, but this time, it was okay.

For people who are choosing to do the work of hospitality and connection, though, the most accurate answer might be, “my pleasure.” After all, you had a choice, and you chose to do this work precisely so that it could have an impact on someone else. The story we tell ourselves about the work can be fuel for finding ways to do it better.

If it’s not a pleasure, and you’re doing things like this all day, it might be a good time to find something else to do.

Horst Schulze promoted this idea at the Four Seasons, but it works just about everywhere.

I don’t work in hospitality, but it dawned on me that “my pleasure” is a powerful response to the expression of thanks. Just a few days later, I thanked Barbara for something and she immediately said, “It’s my pleasure.” 

That struck me that she automatically does what Seth was trying to teach us to do and it led to a great conversation as I explained Seth’s message and we talked about why she bubbles over with such words of praise and appreciation.

She responded with, “I just speak my heart.”

I immediately saw the wrinkle in that response and said, “No, that’s not it. There are a lot of wonderful people in the world who have big hearts. You, however, have the courage to speak your heart.” 

We were on the phone and I heard a welling up of emotion and knew that she too has difficulty accepting sweet molasses words from others.

Wanted: Two forms of courage

When I grow up, I want to have Barbara’s courage to speak her heart. I’ve seen people blossom under the sweet rain of her words. I’ve also seen them squirm, trying to reject them. We call them “compliments” as if they aren’t “facts.” There is an almost universal tendency to find the errors in compliments, to reject them as the teller’s misunderstanding of the real us.

So now, I not only want to have the courage to speak my mind, I also want to have the courage to accept the possibility that what sounds like an undeserved compliment might actually contain a grain of truth, a tiny bit of light trying to squiggle into the dark shadow of my imperfections.

Dedicated to Barbara Gaughen-Muller, a peace activist who has interviewed over 100 peace advocates for her Peace Podcast Community.  Here’s an example of one of her peace magazines and the link to the digital version:

How are you with compliments … can you accept them as possibly an accurate view of who you are?

Also, please introduce yourself to this gratitude community.