Week 12: Generosity

Sharing the goodness of our lives

To see a complete overview of The Path, click here.

“For me, forgiveness and compassion are always linked: how do we hold people accountable for wrongdoing and yet at the same time remain in touch with their humanity enough to believe in their capacity to be transformed?”

-- bell hooks

Some time ago, a long-time friend suddenly cut me out of her life. I was shocked and hurt, but, eventually, brushed it off with the standard platitudes about friendships changing, moving on, getting over it. The details aren’t important. I assumed she had her reasons, but there was no conversation about why so it just left a confusing gap where once there was friendship and caring.

Now that the bruise has faded, I’m wondering about generosity within the field of forgiving and forgetting. Clearly, there’s still a disturbance related to this past experience. I’ve accepted the loss and have no thoughts that the friendship will ever be renewed, but what do I do with the residual feelings which seem somewhat like yesterday’s coffee grounds?

All the lively conversations and shared joys of the friendship are now simply molding memories. So then, why am I still holding on to them? Why do I still have the thought that with enough hot water, these stale grounds might yield one more moment of that enticing smell of friendship and possibility? 

Once more I rerun the story looking for possible fixes. Would some apology repair the break? Is there a bridge that would take me back to the higher ground of our past? Is there a magical Hallmark card that would glue the pieces back together?

I know the answer to all of these questions is “no.” There is no way forward other than to forgive and forget. Easier said than done, of course.

In looking for answers, I found a study about two types of forgiveness:

• decisional forgiveness: making a conscious decision to let go of hurt feelings, such as anger and resentment, putting them in the past, and moving forward free of the effects those feelings can bring.

• emotional forgiveness: replacing negative emotions toward the person who has wronged you with positive ones such as sympathy, compassion, or empathy.

The study’s conclusion was that people who practice emotional forgiveness are more capable of truly forgetting the offense and moving on. That is what I want to do, not only for my own peace of mind, but because I believe forgiveness is an act of generosity, an acceptance of others in all their flawed glory. Cutting short our friendship was not my friend’s finest hour, but she is a human being making her way through a strange and stressful world. Each of us needs a generous dose of compassion and a large measure of forgiveness. Her friendship was one of the important gifts of my life; she earned a peaceful place in my heart.

As I remember the situation and circumstances of the ending of our friendship, I realize it wasn’t as sudden as it seemed at the time. It was a traumatic period for her and we had been gradually drifting apart as our lives changed. I can now understand that I was not providing her the support she wanted and needed. I can let her decision be part of her taking care of herself, without taking it personally myself. I can remember that “this, too, shall pass,” and let peace prevail. It’s not an easy nor simple choice, but it’s who I want to be.

Carefully, I empty the coffee grounds into the trash and measure new grounds into the filter. Soon, fresh aromas scent the air around me.

Who or what are you still trying to forgive?

Forgiveness study: “Forgive and Forget: Differences between Decisional and Emotional Forgiveness”

Thank you for reading gratitude mojo. We love your “hearts” and please feel free to share this post if you think any of your friends and family would like it.

And if you would like to see other Gratitude Mojo posts, click here:

In good times and challenging ones, practicing gratitude helps us recognize the good things in our lives and build resilience for the challenges that come our way. Gratitude journaling is one of the best ways to better understand yourself and deepen your practice of gratitude.

Any journal will do … however, her are two we are biased toward:

Gratitude Miracles, a 52-week journal filled with inspiring quotes and the science behind 13 amazing benefits of gratitude. Available from amazon.com:

Or, Gratitude Mojo, a 26-week, workbook format, which comes to you free with your annual paid subscription … including one copy for a friend because having a Gratitude Buddy makes the journey better.

We want to help everyone develop a deeper practice of gratitude, therefore, all posts are always free. … However, it is paid subscriptions that help support this work.