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“For me, forgiveness and compassion are always linked: how do we hold people accountable for wrongdoing and yet at the same time remain in touch with their humanity enough to believe in their capacity to be transformed?”
-- bell hooks
Some time ago, a long-time friend suddenly cut me out of her life. I was shocked and hurt, but, eventually, brushed it off with the standard platitudes about friendships changing, moving on, getting over it. The details aren’t important. I assumed she had her reasons, but there was no conversation about why so it just left a confusing gap where once there was friendship and caring.
Now that the bruise has faded, I’m wondering about generosity within the field of forgiving and forgetting. Clearly, there’s still a disturbance related to this past experience. I’ve accepted the loss and have no thoughts that the friendship will ever be renewed, but what do I do with the residual feelings which seem somewhat like yesterday’s coffee grounds?
All the lively conversations and shared joys of the friendship are now simply molding memories. So then, why am I still holding on to them? Why do I still have the thought that with enough hot water, these stale grounds might yield one more moment of that enticing smell of friendship and possibility?
Once more I rerun the story looking for possible fixes. Would some apology repair the break? Is there a bridge that would take me back to the higher ground of our past? Is there a magical Hallmark card that would glue the pieces back together?
I know the answer to all of these questions is “no.” There is no way forward other than to forgive and forget. Easier said than done, of course.
In looking for answers, I found a study about two types of forgiveness:
decisional forgiveness: making a conscious decision to let go of hurt feelings, such as anger and resentment, putting them in the past, and moving forward free of the effects those feelings can bring.
emotional forgiveness: replacing negative emotions toward the person who has wronged you with positive ones such as sympathy, compassion, or empathy.
The study’s conclusion was that people who practice emotional forgiveness are more capable of truly forgetting the offense and moving on. That is what I want to do, not only for my own peace of mind, but because I believe forgiveness is an act of generosity, an acceptance of others in all their flawed glory. Cutting short our friendship was not my friend’s finest hour, but she is a human being making her way through a strange and stressful world. Each of us needs a generous dose of compassion and a large measure of forgiveness. Her friendship was one of the important gifts of my life; she earned a peaceful place in my heart.
As I remember the situation and circumstances of the ending of our friendship, I realize it wasn’t as sudden as it seemed at the time. It was a traumatic period for her and we had been gradually drifting apart as our lives changed. I can now understand that I was not providing her the support she wanted and needed. I can let her decision be part of her taking care of herself, without taking it personally myself. I can remember that “this, too, shall pass,” and let peace prevail. It’s not an easy nor simple choice, but it’s who I want to be.
Carefully, I empty the coffee grounds into the trash and measure new grounds into the filter. Soon, fresh aromas scent the air around me.
Who or what are you still trying to forgive?
Forgiveness study: “Forgive and Forget: Differences between Decisional and Emotional Forgiveness”
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Your reference to linking generosity with forgiveness is so important. It fills the gap left when things don't add up. As you acknowledged that you must not have been providing what she needed in her particularly troubled times it's pretty easy to imagine the depth of your friendship and why the parting would have hurt so much. My wife has had two age old friends mysteriously disconnect over the years and one recently reached out to her with apologies after a many year gap - so keep the faith. Prayers for struggling friends can help in more ways than one. "Friendships Lost and Renewed" is my wife's Blog post on that if you're interested.
https://bridgesfromthewellspring.blogspot.com/2021/05/friendships-lost-and-renewed.html
Or, possibly, “I miss you and feel I failed you. I’d like to chat on the phone [emphasis on actually talking] to clear the air. You’ve been such an important part of my life for so long, I would like to not lose you forever. And I will honor your choice to close the door on our friendship forever. “
We’re old. We can risk rejection. 😉